On Becoming Me

Do you find yourself rushing through your life? Hurrying through dinner so you can get the dishes done so you can fold the laundry so you can go to bed? Always in a rush to get from one thing to the next? You are not alone.

I recently got laid off from my job. If you’re thinking, “Didn’t you give notice at that job a long time ago?”, you’re right. I gave notice in June and my last day was supposed to be August 31^st. But I hadn’t found a new position and my company still needed the help so I stayed on.  And on. And on.

My real last day was November 30^th.  So I haven’t worked for over a week and I’ve noticed something interesting.

I’m still rushing.

I thought I would be able to relax now that I don’t have the pressure and the timelines and the deadlines to meet. How relaxing it would be for the first time in two years not to have to be on a conference call at 6am ready to talk about my goals for the day. How nice not to have to report in at the end of the day on where I was with each project. I thought the job was the problem.

I was wrong.

It seems I have this habit of rushing. I first noticed it in the shower the other day when I was vigorously washing my hair. As if I didn’t have the time to enjoy a leisurely shower. I had nowhere to be. I could’ve slowed down and taken my time.

Even right now I’m tightening my stomach and holding my breath.

For the longest time I’ve wanted to do a yoga video I have that’s supposed to help with back pain. I’ve been in alot of pain as a result of forcing myself to sit at my desk for long periods of time without a break. The video takes a whopping 20 minutes. But I couldn’t get myself to do it until yesterday because in my mind ‘I don’t have enough time.’ Seriously? I don’t have 20 minutes a day to take care of myself?

This is actually not new for me. Rushing seems to be my MO. I remember being shown this very clearly when I got together with Cyrus, my former boyfriend. His whole being is definitely in stark contrast to my own. He tends to move more slowly, more deliberately. He has a very calming presence, which is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place. But calm can be annoying when you move through life as if everything is an emergency…or a race.

I remember the year Cyrus came to visit for Thanksgiving. He wanted to go to the store to pick up a few things. Having worked at a grocery store during the holidays in my past life, I was not thrilled with this idea. So when we got there, I asked him, hurriedly of course, what he needed so I could point him in the right direction and we could get in and out as quickly as possible. The funny thing was we weren’t on a time crunch. I was just in my normal mode of rushing. He wouldn’t tell me what he needed and proceeded to wander somewhat aimlessly up and down the aisles. Looking at this, picking up that. It was infuriating at the time. But it forced me to slow down. To wander. To see there is another way of moving through life.

When I look at my family I can see I have come by this naturally. My dad in particular seems to always be in a hurry. I remember my mom describing his driving. He speeds until he catches up with other cars. Then passes those cars so he can speed to catch up with the next group so he can pass them…and so on. He doesn’t drive to enjoy the drive. He drives to get from Point A to Point B as quickly as possible.

And I learned that.

As frustrating as this has been, awareness is the upside. I can shift this habit. I can pay attention. I have a choice. I can take a deep breath whenever I feel myself tightening. I can slow down when I realize I’m in a hurry. I can relax my shoulders when I notice them making their way to my ears. And my guess is, this will exponentially increase my enjoyment of my life (or at least my ability to breathe).

I love this quote by Thich Nhat Hanh…

Kissing the earth with your feet…I like that. It feels like a completely different energy, doesn’t it? One of softness and love. I know it will take some practice to shift this old habit, but I know it can be done. I plan to take it slowly…one soft step at a time.

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