On Becoming Me

About Me

I’m a forty-something, divorced, mother of two boys. I weigh more than I’d like and have more debt than I’m comfortable with. There are often dishes in the sink and laundry on the floor and am not always as patient with my teenage son as I think I should be. I have my struggles…you and I are no different. I am also a loyal friend, loving mother, care-taker of planet earth. Over the years I’ve seen glimpses of the real me. Bits and pieces of my authentic self that I’ve been able to excavate from time to time. But I also noticed I still tend to wear the masks of who I think I should be. Someone who is acceptable, likable, “normal”…as if there is such a thing.

In 2009, six years after my husband and I divorced, I reconnected with an old friend from high school on Facebook. There was an immediate connection and sparks flew! A whirlwind romance ensued…we were soulmates. We planned to get married and combine our bi-coastal lives. I thought I finally had my life figured out. But after 15 months together, he ended the relationship with no explanation.  In an instant, my whole world fell apart. 

I was devastated and lost…and alone. I had worked so hard to be who I thought people wanted me to be, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. So I took a long, hard look in the mirror and decided to do something different. I decided to be more open, more vulnerable, more honest…more real. I also decided to be more accepting of myself and my perceived flaws. Being real means showing you all of who I am…even the stuff I don’t like. And that’s how this blog was born.

As I travel this road, be prepared for me to contradict myself and change my mind. Things I once believed so strongly about I may question later. There will be typos and grammatical errors as I give myself permission to write as I talk…honestly and from my heart. There will be ups and downs and sideways moments. While it may not be literary genius, I hope it touches you in some way. Maybe you’ll see yourself in me and realize we are all so very much more alike than we are different.

For many years I tried to keep everything under control…to keep all the balls in the air. But I’ve since realized you have to be willing to let it all fall apart in order to really live. Life is messy. Get your hands dirty, muck it up. Perfection is an illusion. Be real. Be you.

So here it is. It’s not perfect, but it’s me…and that’s enough.

Some days I feel like I have what it takes to save the world. And some days I feel like a scared little girl looking for answers. But most days I just pray for that middle ground — for the strength to see the gift of each day just as it is. This is what I want you to know about me. I’m nothing special and I’m amazingly special. I’m small and scared, yet big and bold. Ready to take on the world, but wanting to hide away unnoticed. Taking risks — playing it safe. I am the ultimate paradox.