Why Did I Publish That?

When I published my last post, “The Soft Spot Between A Rock and A Hard Place,” I felt good. Relieved even. Instead of faking it and pretending ‘I’m fine,’ I shared how hard things have been lately. I was proud of myself for being that open, that vulnerable, that raw. It wasn’t easy to admit those things, but I thought they needed to be said.

And then it happened. I didn’t get any feedback. No comments, or thoughts, or ‘I can’t believe you just said that’. A few ‘Likes’, but other than that, no feedback at all, really. (For the purpose of clarity, the comment on my previous post came after I’d already written, but not published, the post you’re reading now.)

Suddenly the voices in my head were on a mission and self-doubt was their goal. “You shouldn’t have admitted those things. You should be more positive. No one cares about your problems. Quit whining. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.” And on and on…until I wondered why I started this blog in the first place.

Here’s how it normally goes down. I think, I write, I pour my heart out on the page, I post…and then that thought creeps in. “What will people think of me?” I want to be honest and open. That is the purpose of this blog, after all. But there’s honest…and then there’s ‘haven’t showered in three days honest.’ And I’m guessing that second one is a little too messy for some people. Who admits that sort of thing, anyway?

I do.

Because sometimes life is hard. I’m not going to deny that. And sometimes I cry and fall apart and feel sorry for myself. And then I pick myself up and keep going. Because giving up is not an option. But pretending I’m fine when I’m not is not okay either. It’s a balance. There are highs and there are lows. You can’t have one without the other. That’s just the natural rhythm of things.

Here’s what I believe. Life is not meant to be happy, up, positive all the time. Especially if those feelings aren’t real. Life is meant to be peaceful. And that peace comes in accepting that sometimes things are hard and they suck and we struggle. Because that’s what helps us grow. And learning to be with the difficult times is what makes those joy-filled moments oh so much sweeter!

As Elizabeth Lesser wrote in her book, Broken Open, “How odd that if we reject what is painful, we find only more pain, but if we embrace what is within us–if we peer fearlessly into the shadows–we stumble upon the light.”

……………

I’d love to hear your comments below. If you liked this post, then please ‘Like’ it and share with your friends. And don’t forget to click ‘Follow’ to get email notifications whenever I post something new. But most of all…thank you for reading and being a part of my journey.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Paulette Gilliardi
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 08:33:18

    Yes, life is sometimes hard and it’s good to admit it so you can move forward. It takes courage to admit it and you have gone even further by blogging it and putting it out there for others to read. I’m proud to be your mom. Love you. P.S. I love what you said about be peaceful. Right on!!!

    Reply

  2. bobthemartian
    Oct 28, 2012 @ 08:45:02

    If “I haven’t showered for three days” is too messy for some people, they can just leave.

    Reply

  3. Coni Green
    Oct 28, 2012 @ 17:07:14

    Opening up and showing your belly has risks, and I too am very familiar with that loud voice of self doubt and double guessing myself. I have struggled with that damn voice for years and have tried to take a pill, drink too much alcohol, tried hypnotism and sought out the best counselors in the business for a quick fix for that hellatious sound of my own negativity. Always the Voice is worried about what people think of me and telling me how stupid I am…and on and on and on.

    I am getting better about coping with the Voice within myself, but wish I had the cure much sooner. What’s my cure? Confidence. Doing everything I can to feel strong and proud of myself. The Voice still get’s me going though, but not as much – Thank God!

    You are very brave to talk about your feelings. Congratulations for having the confidence to write about it.

    Reply

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