Exciting News To Share: Debbie Ford’s Most Personal and Powerful Work Yet!
24 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in April 2012 Tags: courage, Debbie Ford, emotional baggage, shadow
I know it’s been a while since I posted here. When I started this blog, it was my intention to post something weekly. That has not been the case. I have lots to talk about and I’m hoping you will be patient and stick with me as I work through some recent challenges. In the meantime, I have some news I just couldn’t wait to share!
Debbie Ford and her work have been instrumental in helping me navigate through some pretty significant breakthroughs in my life. Before I started doing Debbie’s work, my emotional baggage ran the gamut; from being paralyzed by fear to playing the victim and blaming others for my circumstances and everything in between. And until I went to her Shadow Process Workshop, I was unable to see how I played a part in everything I thought was wrong with my life. I am forever grateful for her courage to share her shadows so I could look at mine. And I am truly honored to be able to share her latest work with you…
::For decades, New York Times bestselling author Debbie Ford has been helping people break free from the emotional baggage that has held them hostage. With her new book Courage: Overcoming Fear and Igniting Self-Confidence, she offers her most personal, powerful, and potent work to date.—a proven process for overcoming insecurity and fear and unlocking the enormous courage that resides within.
Debbie Ford has excelled in the school of life, overcoming drug addiction, divorce, a heartbreaking betrayal, and a grave cancer diagnosis. How did she find the courage, confidence and strength to become one of the world’s foremost thought leaders? She tells us in this book. And she outlines a powerful process to help you become all you have wanted to be.
COURAGE is a book about transforming fear, unworthiness, insecurity and powerlessness into courage, confidence and emotional freedom. This book outlines a transformational process that will deliver you to a version of yourself and your life that will inspire, excite and exhilarate you. In this book, you will discover how to accept and transform your flaws, your misgivings, your weaknesses, and your fears. You will learn how to be confident, stand in your strength, and feel great about your life. You will activate the seven guiding principles of courage to become strong, powerful, confident and courageous.
And you will experience a new kind of courage and a new kind of confidence that will propel you into an infinitely beautiful and inspiring future. I promise you that when you recognize the strength, power, and freedom of the courage that has been present in you all along, you will realize that you have the power to accomplish your heart’s desires.
Wayne Dyer wrote in the Foreword to Courage “I can assure you that you will find yourself becoming more and more equipped to deal with all of your life’s challenges from a new and stronger position of self-confidence and, yes, courage as well.”
I agree. Read Courage.
CLICK HERE http://bit.ly/HFyJr4 to purchase your copy. It comes with some wonderful free gifts and a chance to win many incredible prizes—including a one-hour coaching session with Debbie herself!::
If you haven’t read any of Debbie Ford’s books, I can assure you this will be life-changing! It is a privilege to support her work as she has had such an impact on my life. I will be back to my writing soon. But until that time, I encourage you to check out Courage. I know you’ll be glad you did.
p.s. You’ll be particularly inspired by the amazing stories of transformation in this book. This same transformation is available to you as well, but you have to buy the book to be guided through the processs, so get your copy of Courage now! http://bit.ly/HFyJr4
No More New Year’s Resolutions
01 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in January 2012 Tags: becoming, believing, changes, new challenge, New Year's Resolutions, theme
I used to make New Years resolutions. Every December 31st I’d contemplate what I needed to change or work on and that would become my resolution for the year. Often those resolutions were things I needed to DO; lose weight, pay off debt, get more organized. Always things I thought were wrong with me.
Though most resolutions fell by the wayside, by mid-February, I’ve actually succeeded from time to time. For the moment, that is. I’ve lost the weight…more than once. Then gained it back. I paid down my credit card last year only to charge it back up on Christmas shopping. I’ve even been organized on occasion. I’ve had a friend or my mom help me go through piles and purge and sort and file. And then it all starts to pile up again. Resolutions always left me feeling like a failure and began to wonder if I was focusing on the wrong things.
Last year I did something different. I set an intention. A theme, if you will. Instead of trying to change something I thought was wrong with myself, I decided to be more allowing and accepting–of myself, of my circumstances, of the events of my life. I wrote these words “2011 Allowing and Accepting” on a heart-shaped stickie note and put it on my computer where I would see it every day. I looked at it from time to time. But at some point the words started to wear off and I actually forgot about it.
Yesterday I was not feeling my usual optimism about the new year. The last year feels like a blur…to be honest, it’s been exhausting! And even though I’ve taken a MAJOR step forward in my life recently, I was feeling down because I didn’t ‘accomplish’ anything in 2011. At least that’s what I was telling myself. And I’ll admit some fear crept in and had me questioning this new challenge I’ve taken on.
As fear whispered in my ear, I began to feel like I ‘should’ be gearing up for the year ahead. I should be DOing something. I started asking myself a flurry of questions. What do I want the next year to look like? What do I want to accomplish? What can I change? And then I remembered that stickie note. Allowing and Accepting. And it occurred to me the question isn’t what, but who. Who do I want to be in 2012 and beyond?
I took a breath, got quiet for a moment, and listened to that still small voice within. “Believing and Becoming”, it said. In that moment, the fear started to subside as the theme for 2012 began to take shape. Believing and Becoming…I let the words roll around in my mouth.
Believing…that even when I can’t see it, I am still moving forward. Because you can truly never go back. Believing that everything has a purpose…even when it sucks or it’s hard or it hurts like hell. You can’t side-step the difficult stuff. Believing in myself and my ability to do what’s best for me. No matter what other people think or say. Believing this path is mine and mine alone.
Becoming…isn’t about DOing more or making changes. It’s about quietly, softly letting the things fall away that aren’t truly me. And in doing so, Becoming more of who I am. It’s about Becoming more confident that my quirks and oddities are not things I need to change, but what make me uniquely me. Standing up for the me I am and not believing I should be anyone else. Dropping the masks I’ve worn most of my life and Becoming…me.
Could I stand to lose weight, pay off my debt and get more organized? Of course I could. But those things don’t matter as much as who I am in the process. And what a process it is!
What’s your intention for 2012? Do you have a theme for the year? It’s who you are, not what you accomplish that will make the biggest difference in your life. And the best part is, you get to decide. Who do you want to be?
What If Anxiety Is the Messenger?
30 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in December 2011 Tags: anti-anxiety medication, anxiety, learning from anxiety, racing heart, sinking feeling
I woke up feeling anxious today. Again. This is not something new. Anxiety and I are old friends. And though it’s been away for a while, it seems to have come back for an extended visit. It is not a welcome guest.
I did what I so often do in this situation…I pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep. It’s an old habit. But ignoring anxiety does not make it go away. Neither does staying busy, eating, watching TV, exercising, shopping…or any number of things I’ve done over the years to try to numb those feelings. Oh sure, any one of those things can distract me from my racing heart or that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach…for the moment. But nothing takes away the anxiety. Believe me…I’ve tried.
I am somewhat of an expert on this subject. I can remember having these feelings as far back as junior high school. I was often anxious, worrisome, fearful. As a child I was afraid of growing up, growing old, dying. As I got older I worried about doing well in school, getting in trouble, making a fool of myself. Even now I fear making a mistake, upsetting someone, not being good enough.
Off and on in my 20s and 30s I took medication to control my anxiety. I believed there was something wrong with me that medication could fix. If I could just stop the anxiety, I would be fine, right? But I began to wonder, what if anxiety isn’t the problem? In the last several years, I have realized anxiety is the symptom of something deeper. And I have recently begun to consider those feelings serve a purpose I haven’t been willing to acknowledge before now.
What would you do if the smoke alarm in your house went off? I’m not talking about when it goes off because you were burning dinner or you lit a fire without opening the damper (not that this has ever happened to me). I mean, if it woke you in the middle of the night from a dead sleep. Would your first reaction be to take the batteries out so it would stop making noise? Would you put a pillow over your head and go back to sleep? Or would you realize it was a warning that something was on fire? At the very least common sense tells you to check it out first, right?
Anxiety, or any other ‘negative’ emotion, is like your own internal alarm system. It’s factory installed to let you know when you’re doing something that’s not in your own best interest. Or when you’re not taking good care of yourself. Or when you’re ignoring that child inside you who just wants your attention. Whether the fear is real, or imagined, or based on a belief you have from your past, it is still trying to tell you something. I have not been a good listener.
Yesterday I woke up in a panic. Heart racing, shortness of breath kind of panic. This week my company was closed and as usual, I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish during my time off work. But, as so often happens, I have lacked the motivation to do much of anything.
I often feel like being productive and checking things off my list is time well spent. While I get down on myself if I’m relaxing, reflecting…just doing nothing. I know myself well enough to know I need my down time, but by society’s standards, it just doesn’t feel productive. And I continue to buy into that. I have long held the belief that if I could just get it all together, I could relax. If my house is clean and the laundry’s done and I’ve exercised and paid the bills and gone grocery shopping and gotten organized…then I deserve to relax. Then I could actually enjoy it.
But is that really true? Am I ever going to get to the point of crossing everything off my to do list? Unlikely.
Recently there have been two sides to anxiety. One is the fear that if I don’t accomplish everything on my list while I’m off work and have the time, I’ll kick myself later. The other is I have a very demanding job and am exhausted. I don’t want to push myself during my time off the way I have to push myself at work. It’s a double-edged sword and it seems no matter which one I choose, I can’t win. But what if, instead of trying to figure out what to do, I just listened to that anxiety and what it is here to teach me?
If anxiety is the messenger, then maybe the message is to let go of perfectionism. Be okay with being wrong, making mistakes, not getting everything done, being lazy. To slow down. Stop for a moment. Just be.
I have been so busy with work and the holidays, I have gotten away from my daily meditation practice. Those few minutes each day help calm and center me, but it’s the first thing that goes when I feel like my time is limited. Maybe anxiety is reminding me to get back to that. Maybe all there is to do right now is stop fighting these feelings and just settle into them. To be still for fifteen minutes and listen. Just listen.
While I don’t like it, I know there is a purpose for anxiety and that getting rid of it, doesn’t solve the problem. Anxiety is the teacher. And little by little I’m learning the lesson.
I Don’t Care What Other People Think (Or, The Lies I Tell Myself)
19 Nov 2011 6 Comments
in November 2011 Tags: being myself, doing what feels right, fear of not being liked, what other people think
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. For that I apologize. I committed to writing more regularly and then I let life get in the way. I’ve had plenty to write about…I always do. But things have been so busy the last month or two, I haven’t made the time to sit down and make sense of what is going on inside my head and heart. Today the writing has grabbed hold of me. I kept trying to get other things done, but the pull to write was stronger. It’s like a persistent toddler who won’t stop asking until it gets what it wants. Today, writing gets its way.
For most of my life, I have thought of myself as someone who doesn’t particularly care what other people think. And to some extent that’s true. I have my beliefs and ideas and they aren’t always mainstream. I am a west coast, tree-hugging, hippie type who just wants to make the world a better place. But I realized recently I go to great lengths to control how other people feel about me. That bothers me. Because in doing so, I’m not being my authentic self. And I don’t think I saw it so clearly until now.
How often do you hold back because you’re afraid of what someone will think of you? Be honest. If you’re like me, you try to tell yourself you don’t care, but that would be a lie. How do I know? Because recently I caught myself doing that very thing. You’d think at 44, I’d be long past worrying about what people think of me. I can talk myself into believing that’s not really what I’m doing (more lies). But when you get right down to it, I don’t want people to be upset with me.
Let me back up. Last week was my ex-boyfriend’s father’s birthday. I baked him cookies because I thought he would enjoy a treat. I made the time to go to the store, get the ingredients, bake the cookies and package them up. And then I sat with the box all ready to ship, dreading taking it to the post office. I was so anxious about it, I literally felt like I could throw up. I knew once I dropped it off there’d be no turning back. And my fear was my ex-boyfriend would be upset with me for sending something to his dad.
If I’m completely honest, I have thought about sending his dad cards or treats for more than a year…ever since we broke up. I think about it on his dad’s birthday, during the holidays, Father’s Day. I enjoy baking and I know he would enjoy the treats. I’d like him to know I’m thinking of him. And yet, for an entire year I did nothing out fear of how my actions would be perceived. Would my ex think I’m just trying to get in good with his family? Would he be mad I’m still in touch with them? Would I get a nasty email?
Why do I care? That’s a very good question. If I choose to do something that deep down feels right to me, I shouldn’t worry about how other people react to it, right? But I do. And if I take a step back, I can see all the other places in my life where I’m doing this very same thing. With friends, my family, my job. Not being my full self-expression because someone else might not like it. Now that I’m paying attention, the examples are really starting to pile up.
With it showing up in so many areas of my life, I had to ask myself, what’s this really about? And I can see I’m trying to control the way people feel about me. This is where my strengths of compassion and empathy can turn into weaknesses. Because I don’t want to hurt or upset anyone, I can sometimes care more about what others think, than what I know is true for me. I’m human…and I want people to like me. But I can’t let that need to be liked turn me into someone I’m not.
I realize people aren’t always going to agree with me. And not everyone is going to like me. This is where the courage to be authentic comes in. If my intention, in anything I do, is to be true to myself, I can’t worry about how other people take it. That’s their stuff, not mine. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I just can’t let it affect my choices. The path to authenticity is not always easy and sometimes it’s very lonely. But becoming more myself has its own rewards. More clarity, more peace, more confidence. And if I stick to it, I’ll find the me I’ve always known I could be.
It Feels Like Family
08 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in October 2011 Tags: family, family time, missing family, something missing, time together
I am feeling the urge to cook today. Chili, soup, cookies…warm, homey, comfort foods. And while I do enjoy cooking in general, I know what that drive is about. I’m feeling alone, and cooking, even for no one in particular, seems to fill that void. At least for a little while.
I really wish I got the urge to clean and organize when I’m feeling lonely. My house could certainly use it. And it would be better for my waistline too. But it doesn’t work that way. Cooking is something I do for others and it makes me feel good…it’s one of the ways I show love. I know I could just resist the urge to cook. But then I’d have to feel those pangs of loneliness, those thoughts of missing the family I thought I’d have, and today I just don’t want to.
Often what I miss about my last relationship is it gave me something I’d never had before. In the 15 years I’d been married, it rarely felt the way I thought it was going to feel to be married and have children. To have a family of my own. Sitting down to family dinners and enjoying each other’s company. Going on vacations together. Just doing chores or running errands together. Fun. Light. Easy. But that’s not the way it was. Our lives were very separate. He did his thing, and I did mine. And I don’t know I really realized what was missing until I experienced something so different.
In my last relationship, being together felt the way I always imagined being a family would feel. We did things together. Not because we had to. But because we genuinely enjoyed being together. We had family movie night where we all snuggled on the couch to watch a movie together. We did things together like grocery shopping and running errands. We went to the park, bowling, ice skating. When I was married, I did those things too. But not as a family. Either by myself or with my kids. It was a rare occasion for the four of us to do things together. And even though I love doing things with my kids, I think I always felt a little alone.
When I was married to my ex, we didn’t take family vacations. In fact, in the 15 years we were married I can remember taking three ‘vacations’ together. A long weekend in Tahoe for his best friend’s wife’s birthday; a trip to California for his brother’s wedding; and a camping trip with friends at Lake Chelan. Those three trips were orchestrated by someone else. I’ve often thought if any of them had been my idea, we wouldn’t have gone. I rarely got the feeling he enjoyed spending time together…being a family.
One of the first things we did in my last relationship was a road trip to Disneyworld with his two daughters, then 5 and not quite 7. It’s been said you can learn a lot about a person on a road trip. I would agree with that. And though Disneyworld was technically our first date, it was also the first time I realized it was possible to work so well together. Everything just clicked. We each brought our own individual strengths. Taking care of things in our own ways. But in a way that came together to completely…so perfectly…without us ever having talked about it.
A similar thing happened when we got home from Hershey Park after his niece’s wedding. We dropped the girls off with their mom and there was alot to do to get ready for the week ahead. Without anyone telling the other what to do, we just did it. We jumped in and got things done. It was easy. Flawless really. I think it surprised him as much as it did me. Doing chores or projects with my ex-husband was neither flawless nor easy. It was a whole lot of him barking orders, and me and the kids doing the work…his way.
Of course, like anything, that last relationship wasn’t all puppy dogs and roses. I often worried about how my kids would fit into this new family picture. They are older and either don’t need taking care of, or don’t especially want to spend time with parent types or little girls. And they certainly weren’t excited about any sort of ‘father figure’ coming into their lives. I wasn’t expecting that him to step into their lives that way. But I was hoping at some point there would be mutual respect. And, hopefully, friendship. That’s all I could really ask for at this point.
For the last almost 10 years my boys and I have formed our own kind of family. And I have loved that. Your kids are your family. And over the years, we had all gotten used to it just being the three of us. But you can never have the same relationship with your children as you do with a partner. So, even though the relationship only lasted a little over a year, now it feels lonely at times that it’s just me and the boys again. It’s not because my kids aren’t good company…they are. They’re both interesting and funny and I love them to pieces. I would never trade this time we’ve had together. But they can’t, and shouldn’t be expected to, fill that hole in my heart.
I know my youngest son especially thinks we’re fine just the way we are. He’s a teenager afterall. He doesn’t want anything to upset the applecart. And I might have agreed with that two years ago. Before experiencing anything else. Before finding such an amazing love. But now I feel differently. Now I know there could be something more. Something deeper. Funny how you don’t even realize there’s something missing until it lands in your lap!
You Just Need to Find Someone New
19 Sep 2011 4 Comments
in September 2011 Tags: breakup, dealing with loss, finding someone new, living with loss, my way, new relationship
Have you ever noticed how much free advice you get when you’re going through something difficult? I can tell you…it’s a lot. Everyone has an opinion about what happened, what kind of person would do that, and how I should handle it from here. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I’ve certainly given my fair share of advice over the years. So if you’re one of the people who has shared your thoughts on this subject, don’t get your panties in a wad. This is not a personal attack…it’s merely an observation.
There seems to be a common thread in people’s responses as I’ve shared my story of love and loss with those around me. From my ex-husband, to friends and family, to people who’ve read my blog and hardly know me, most people are quick to assure me I’ll find someone else. And that may be true. I don’t have a crystal ball and I’m not ruling out the possibility. I have a lot of love to give and I would certainly like to be in a relationship again someday. But what if finding someone new isn’t the answer? What if feeling lousy is just part of the process of losing someone you love? What if I’m not supposed to figure out how to get over it?
When my boyfriend left, my ex-husband told me I just needed to find a new man. I understand many people deal with a loss such as this by finding someone new. But that’s not my way. And what’s really important to me is I do this my way. When he suggested this, the wound was still pretty raw. And the thought of being with someone else made me want to vomit. I literally had a visceral reaction when I thought about it. Aside from the fact I wasn’t interested in being with someone else, I just didn’t think that would be very good for some guy’s ego. Hey…you seem really cool, but the thought of being with you makes me want to toss my cookies. I can only imagine what kind of reaction I’d get to that!
A few weeks ago my neighbor invited me to go to a blues festival with him and his wife. They are lovely people and I truly appreciate how much they care about me. But I still have my days where I don’t want to be in a crowd of strangers. And I still have my moments when I fall apart. So I’m pretty particular about who I spend my time with. It doesn’t always feel safe to break down in front of just anyone. I politely thanked my neighbor for the invitation and told him I’m just not great company right now. His response was pretty typical of what a lot of people tell me these days. If I don’t get out, I’ll never meet anyone. Apparently that’s the answer. Or not.
Part of becoming me is choosing how I deal with the difficulties of my life. In the past I would listen to other people’s advice and do what they suggested because I believed I was doing it wrong. I didn’t even stop to question it. Now I’m choosing to do things my way more and more. Even if my way doesn’t make sense to other people. Even if it doesn’t always make sense to me. It may not be right for you, but it’s the path I have to follow. Everyone, including me, gives advice based on their own experiences, fears and beliefs. While I know that advice is well meaning, I can’t follow it if it means ignoring my own inner voice.
I have also come to realize I wouldn’t follow some of the well-intentioned advice I’ve given others in the past. Are you guilty of this? I know I am. You tell a friend after a breakup, “he just wasn’t right for you.” Or, “there’s someone better for you out there.” And maybe that’s true, but it does not ease the pain of the loss. It’s amazing what you can explain away…until it happens to you. I may change my mind on this, so don’t quote me. But right now, in this moment, I don’t feel that relationship is replaceable. So many memories, connections over the years, shared dreams and hopes about our life together. I do believe I may find another relationship. I just don’t know that I will have another one like this.
I’ve been told by friends who know, that the pain of a devastating breakup is similar to the pain of the death of a loved one. I don’t know…I can’t make that comparison. But the thing I am grappling with is you would never tell someone whose loved one died, that they just need to find another mother, brother, friend. Those relationships are irreplaceable. When someone dies you encourage that person to talk about their loved one. So why, when a relationship ends, do we discourage people from talking about the person they lost? For me, those memories are still a part of my life, my experience. And I still want to talk about them. I don’t want to censor myself because we’re not together anymore. Or because it makes other people uncomfortable.
The bottom line is this. I don’t need a bandaid. And that’s what someone new would be for me right now. I just need to give myself the space to let the wound heal. In its own way. In its own time. However long that takes. This is where I’m at. And this is how I’m dealing with it. It may not be the right way…but it’s my way.
What A Year Has Taught Me
05 Sep 2011 8 Comments
in September 2011 Tags: life lessons, loss, love, pain, risk, self-discovery, true love
The last photo of us together taken July 31, 2010
It has been a year since my life took an unexpected turn. Since the man I thought would love me forever said those words, ”I don’t want to be in a relationship.” I’ll never forget that moment. I didn’t believe him. Honestly, I still don’t. But he seemed pretty convinced. He took me to the airport, gave me a hug and never looked back. I walked away with my head held high. I was determined to be strong…I wouldn’t let him see me cry. But as soon as I went down the escalator to security, the tears started to flow. Other than two brief email exchanges, we haven’t spoken since. I have missed him every day.
I told myself I would give it six months. Six months to hurt and to heal. But six months came and went and still the pain persisted. Apparently you can’t put a time limit on moving on. You just have to live your life and follow where the pain leads you. A lot has happened in the last year. It struck me recently as I realized Labor Day weekend would mark the anniversary of that time in my life, that I have learned so much over the last 365 days. It has not been easy. But it hasn’t been all bad either.
I have often thought about what I would want him to know. What I would say if I had that opportunity. So here is what I would tell him; what the last year has taught me about life, love and being myself.
- No matter how painful the loss, or how fearful you are of that pain, love is always worth the risk. ALWAYS. Even in my darkest hour, and there have been many, I never had regrets. Before our relationship, I had never experienced such a deep knowing, a sense that we were meant to be together. And that everything we’d experienced in our lives had led us to each other. As difficult as this has been, I would do it all over again, given the chance at that kind of love.
- Loving you gave me a kind of courage I’d never known before. I’m not saying there wasn’t fear and trepidation. You know how many times I ‘pumped the brakes’. It’s just that loving and being loved so deeply, helped me push past my fear. The decision to move away from my friends, my family and the only life I’d every known was huge for me. But it paled in comparison to the thought of living without you. And as a result, I don’t have that same fear of moving now. In fact, the thought of it excites me more than anything. I look forward to the adventure someday.
- I learned to step outside my comfort zone and take a new job even though I’d been with the same company for more than 11 years. After you broke up with me I kept thinking, “Why would you walk away? Don’t you realize life is short and you have to live it right now?” And then it hit me! I was doing the same thing with my job. Playing it safe. Doing something I really didn’t like, but not leaving because I was afraid it wouldn’t work out. So, I took a leap of faith, got a new job in a completely different industry, have met some terrific people and learned so much about myself in the process.
- I realized I wasn’t spending my time doing the things I truly love and that make my heart sing. I had wanted to write a blog for a long time. I really enjoy writing. There’s just something about conveying my thoughts and feelings through words that amazes me even as I’m doing it. So I started blogging and have been jotting down ideas for a book. I am also working toward getting training to become a life coach. I look at my life and the choices I make now more in terms of how I really want to spend my time and what’s really important to me.
- I’m stronger than I realized. When I left that day I had no idea we wouldn’t see each other or talk again. I really still thought it would all work out. Ever the optimist. But it hasn’t worked out the way I thought and dealing with that loss has been a day by day experience. I have felt the feelings as they come, but I don’t let them consume me. If I can get through the pain of losing you, and come out with more peace and clarity of purpose on the other side, I can get through anything. There have definitely been some dark times. Some moments where I didn’t know if I could keep going. But I did. And I do.
- I learned what it feels like to love deeply and truly…without limits. I loved you to the depths of my soul. Until you, I had never loved anyone that unconditionally other than my children. I had hoped it was possible, but I had never experienced it. Now I know that deep, “I will love you until the end of time” kind of love does exist for me. And it doesn’t go away just because you’re not with that person. Love that deep and true spans time, distance and circumstances. I would never settle for anything less again.
- I learned I don’t have to try so hard; that I’m fine the way I am. I like that I’m introspective, love to read and figure things out. I’m not a morning person or a neat freak and that’s okay. Better than okay. It’s who I am and I wouldn’t change it. I’m neurotic, I worry too much, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t take a hint or read between the lines. I think a lot and often over-analyze things. This is who I am…I make no excuses. There really is beauty in imperfection. I didn’t believe it at first, but I’ve come to realize it’s true.
- I learned I needed to be alone, to not have someone to ‘take care of’ right now. Because it allowed me to see what I really want my life to look like. As painful as this has been, I needed to figure it out on my own. Oddly, I am grateful for the pain. It has been a doorway to finding my purpose in life. You gave me a great gift by walking away. And though it wasn’t what I would’ve chosen, and I still miss you so much, I don’t believe I would’ve discovered these things about myself in any other way.
- I was reminded how much I enjoy cooking. Cooking feels like something I do for the people I love. It makes me feel like family. After 15 years of having to cook for someone who didn’t appreciate it when I was married, I had forgotten how much pleasure there is in cooking just for the joy of it. This last year I’ve spent more time in the kitchen, trying new recipes and spending time around the dinner table with friends and family. And you were right. Life really is easier with a good skillet. I am reminded of that every time I use the one you bought me.
- I learned you can love someone even though their actions have caused you pain. It’s true you don’t have to feel things so acutely when you put up that wall of anger and blame and play the victim. But it doesn’t make things easier. The pain is still there. You can love someone for the person you know them to be; underneath their fear, shame and nagging sense of unworthiness. I understand those feelings. Because I fight my own battles with those very same things. It gives me compassion. You can love someone and not be with them.
- I realized that life is good right here, right now. No matter what is going on I always have something to be grateful for. When I say something funny and Kyle actually laughs. When a friend calls for a spur of the moment barbeque. When I find myself in a great conversation or enjoying a lazy afternoon. When I make time for a walk outside in the middle of the work day. I’m living my life more in each moment than in the future or the past. I hope you know what that’s like.
Even though we’re not together, I am grateful for the time we had. I will always cherish those memories. Loving you has taught me so much about myself. I got to see the things that still need work, like communication and feeling not good enough. And the things I’m proud of, like how much I care about people and how deeply I am capable of loving. And all the things in between that are often less than perfect, but make up the incredible imperfect me. Loving you made me want to be a better person. Not just for you or for us, but for me.
I hope you have learned something this last year too…about yourself, about life, about love. That you realize with all your strengths and all your faults, you are worthy of love. You are sweet, kind, dorky, stubborn, opinionated, loving, funny, smart, messy, strong, fearful, open, withdrawn, introspective, protective, negative, handy, and so much more. You can be both the sweetest man and the biggest pain in the ass. But I hope you realize, as I have, that there’s nothing wrong with you. I still have my fears and insecurities…my feelings of not good enough. That’s just part of being human. But I learned, through this experience, I still deserve to be loved. I hope you learned that too.
